she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
