I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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