Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
