I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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