Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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