New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
