I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My underwear smells like fireworks.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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