when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
