i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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