I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
