I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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