My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
