the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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