My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
