you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
