Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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