no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
