So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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