Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
