Slut skills are useful in every country.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
