if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
