new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it's great music for shaving your balls
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
