they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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