You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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