Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
