I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
