Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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