Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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