glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
