Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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