wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
