Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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