i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
