I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
