Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
why didn't you poke me back
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
