I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
