just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
