Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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