I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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