he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
