"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
