someone get that fucking seahorse.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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