Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
