when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
