They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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