Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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