Joe is yelling at the trees again.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
