I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
