I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
