were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
